We apologize for upsetting your rainy, snowy, nothing Saturday with awful revelations. It seems Mickey Mouse was instrumental in the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the U.S. Capitol.
Why are we finding out now, you ask? It seems his copyright protection (expired at the end of 2023) was also a shield for illicit activities.
A cover-up, in other words, engineered by the U.S. Copyright Office.
You may or may not know that office is housed in the Library of Congress — and (yes) federal librarians have quietly formed a dangerous MAGA cell, while we weren’t looking.
We’ve got proof. Here’s a group photo of copyright librarians attending the birthday party of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas …
And here we see a select librarian posse enjoying an orgy I mean a hot tub with Joe Rogan …
Clothed orgies I mean hot tubs being a Rogan favorite, WHO KNEW.
Damning stuff. We’re still investigating. In the meantime, here’s the Jan. 6th Mickey Mouse dossier, revealed for the first time. You’re welcome.
Mickey and associates the morning of Jan. 6th, making their way into Washington …
Mickey himself at Donald Trump’s election rally, later that day:
Mickey stopping for a quick Starbucks on his way to the insurrection, after ditching the suit:
Then a quick porta-potty visit as well another hasty costume change, into Mickey’s version of the Qanon Shaman …
Or maybe this one is better. More Q, less non …
And here Mickey is, insurrecting. Warning: These aren’t safe for Disney lovers. NSFMinnie. NSFWalt. NSFPeterPan. NSFMermaids.
The photographer must have been seeing double that day. Two Capitols? Phew. Talk about incredible photo journalism in the heat of battle.
Sources inside the Copyright Office have also leaked Mickey’s draft schematic masterplan for transforming the U.S. Capitol into a Disney castle. Mickey’s fingerprints — or should we say gloveprints? — are all over it.
And finally, the mugshots. Mickey having been enough of a celebrity to demand multiple mugshot takes. That’s the way he rolls.
I know, I know. Hard to see. Hard to process. Hug your kids. Destroy your copy of The Lady and the Tramp. Pretend 101 Dalmatians never happened. Never sing Jungle Book songs again. Do what you must. Disney trauma ain’t easy, is it?
We’re here if you need us.
— Papa Baloo
Kicker: Was Terribly Small Magnum P.I. also at the U.S. Capitol, three years ago today? WAS HE? News at 11 …
The nightmare continues.
Happy Jan. 6th to all.
Xoxo.
This is absolutely wicked- two birds with one stone.