“I am not a conspiracy theory,” John Lennon may well have said. “I am the walrus.”
A good place to start, as Lennon’s killer was clearly J.D. Salinger himself crossed with a walrus — right?
More like a Walrus-lufagus, am I right?
Salinger’s intent all along was to impress Jodie Foster, of course. She invented L. Ron Hubbard. She invented Jewish space lasers. She invented Jodie Foster. Why wouldn’t a mammal (with literary flair) want to impress her?
Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye having been a CIA technical readout of how to blow up a Death Star, when read backwards. Btw. Speaking of, Columbine was a CIA operation. Bet you didn’t know that. The CIA having become fed up with (and staffed by) … suburban Colorado teenagers.
The attack on Pearl Harbor never happened, also. And Kennedy was assassinated by an LBJ clone-gone-wrong, Lee Harvey Robot. All three died in Texas. Kennedy, LBJ, Lee Harvey. That’s how we know. Has Pearl Harbor even been to Texas, ever? Exactly.
Moreover: Timothy McVeigh is alive and well and managing a Dairy Queen in Kanorado, Kansas. He dates John Wilkes Booth’s great great grand-daughter. She’s a local soft-serve ice queen. Ms. Kanorado, one year running. They often suck face out back while watching lime-green tornados attack middle America.
Jewish space lasers having been their last line of defense against lime-green tornados. Jewish space lasers having been a much more devastating idea than Hebrew space lasers or Aramaic space lasers or Phoenician space lasers, obviously.
Palestinian space lasers? HA! You wish they had space lasers. Say what you will about throwing rocks. Hardly as effective as throwing space lasers.
More …
9/11 was Dick Cheney and his boy W. futzing around with early-stage AI image generators. So was going to the moon. That was NASA prompt engineers, playing with an AI illustrator code-named “Tall Towers.”
Too soon? Never too soon for conspiracy theories!
Kanorado, Kansas (btw): The exact location where separation of church and state was invented, by L. Ron Hubbard. He was busy trying to remove a sword from a stone and — voila! — discovered the separation of church and state instead.
It looks like a chicken:
Tastes like one, too.
I’ve been there, ya know. To Kanorado. It’s (surprise surprise) on the border of Colorado and Kansas. A giant statue of Taylor Swift straddles the border. That’s how she came to be. One morning, a little girl plopped from the statue. Hunter Biden swooped her up. Off to CIA headquarters for many brainwashings — or should we say “brainwashingtons”? Buhahahaha.
And (yes) the statue is made of straw. What I’ve said is a true story. You can tell because I said “true story.” That’s the only way to tell truth from lies, ever. True story.
Kanorado’s name having confirmed hilarious hatred for the country I inhabit. Hilarious hatred being the way I feel about most things, including pop tarts — and pope tarts —and tart popes, while we’re at it.
Less seriously: Fake Bugs Bunny had no interest in Pismo Beach. WHO DOES?
I’ve been there, too. “Pismo Beach” means “Shit Beach” in Californian. Shit Beach is also the title of a searing Vietnam satire I hope to never write about how the CIA treated beaches in Southeast Asia.
The day the crayons stopped taking vaccines (meanwhile) — is more like a children's book idea than a conspiracy theory. Though maybe it could double-up.
Frog and Toad are friends even if one has more nuclear weapons than the other — same.
Eloise goes to Ukraine (not Paris) to fight the dirty Russians with more space lasers — same.
Through the bipolar looking-glass with Kanye and Elon? A boatload of manic fun! Not to mention the raw genesis-stuff of many, many conspiracies …
As for Dragons love tacos and so do fascists … I can’t say what that is, either. Who cares anyway. Why would I spend more time on this site explaining? Substack is ruled by conspiracy, after all, just like anything.
Its conspiracy is this: By whatever means necessary, do not allow Colin Sullivan to make $10 million writing schizophrenic picture essays on Substack. Limit his readership to the mildly puzzled by what he’s doing with words and images. Make sure he fails at every intersection of Doom and Hope. Take his ass out to the crossroads, promise him a deal with the devil, and leave him there … to rot on two planks of wood, erected just so.
I placed that exact paragraph into the illustrator (named Snake). Those four pictures came back. No idea why — but I bet something’s up. Something dastardly. Something orchestrated. Something so complex it must have been engineered by the three trans billionaires that rule the planet from their ayahuasca perch atop Devils Tower, Wyoming.
I knew it. I KNEW MY LACK OF POPULARITY WASN’T MY FAULT! It was … something else.
In other words, thank you, conspiracy theories. Thank you so much. I figured I was right and everyone else was wrong, all along.
— Colin Sullivan, cosmic wizard
Kicker: The most popular conspiracy theory ever? Other than Christianity? We kid. Instead, let’s send Eloise back to her war zone. Then give the taco-lovin’ dragon fascists their due. What the hell.
Index: These images are fake. They parody and impersonate. Please check into artistic styles appearing in the post. We aim to amplify others’ work. Happy to provide prompt specifics. Get in touch if you’re curious. Artists celebrated today (with cheese) (with glory) include: Klaas Verplancke; Terry Gilliam; Charles M. Schulz; Drew Daywalt; Arnold Lobel; Kay Thompson; Adam Rubin.
Xoxo.
The 70s/80s grocery store line rack of crap that passes through social media, esp places like Tiktok is utterly mindboggling. Are people so compleetely unable to handle life they have to turn to this crap to cope? Crap-cope should be a verb. There, I said it.
Humans like to understand I think. We create all kinds of elaborate explanations and believe them because we don’t like not knowing. So Jewish space lasers causing wildfires makes more sense than believing in climate change to some. Bizarre but true. We may be advanced apes - but still just apes. That’s my credo.