Useless fact: I was a journalist ’til the news-cycle cycled me into gravel. “News” being a redundant swirl that creates starving mice, cheeseless mazes. Mousy graveyards. No big deal tho. I’ll take any graveyard at all.
Why bring it up: What I’m doing here (I’ve realized) is reporting on technological chaos. And cheese. A new beat. My own private cheddar hole, part 36. It seems I can’t help it; Mark Twain pulls me back every time.
“As if Peter Sellers Frenchmen with mustaches were racing inside my brain, in the Prefrontal Alps — for cheese and glory.”
We’re crazy for imaginary cycling pics, in case you can’t tell. As created by our enslaved AI illustrator with a nudge from Le Tour. Let’s try Sasquatch Clowns, crushing Tour de Sasquatch, 2023 …
A friend of this enterprise (a red-headed hobo) is gonna like those very much.
Anyway. With the new beat in mind, as well as ignorance, I discovered 18 female artists this week. Googled “ten greatest paintings” and found lists of dead men. Didn’t want to learn about them. Didn’t want to dig into “Van Gogh if he’d been an earless tennis ball”.
This is the correct posture for a reporter, even when operating from an afterlife. Admitting what we don’t know, filling in gaps. Exploration of my own stupidity being an ever-present priority.
Please enjoy. And download the app! It was bio-engineered with your smart phone in mind. The images don’t all fit in the email version. Thanks.
A dive into cheese, for starters. “A stale patriarchy made of stale brie.” Style Andrea Bowers, installation work.
Or “Van Gogh was an earless tennis ball” (had to) — neon sketch, style Bowers.
That dogman appears to be named Van Gogh. I like that. Here’s another … same prompt, same artist, same dog name:
Go get it, Van Gogh! GO GET IT.
Or how about a personal favorite, “My other car is a pothead” — style Cindy Sherman, who stars in her own photographs.
“That’s weird, my other car is also a pothead” — style Ana Segovia.
“My other car is a pothead from inside the car” — Segovia again.
Or how about, “A bugged-out mouse in a cheeseless maze” (reporters’ special) — textile work, Arghavaan Khosravi.
“A mouseless cheese in a starving craze” — another Bowers.
“Orange you tired of blue people? Orange you?” Caroline Larsen.
“ORANGE YOU?” Bowers.
Or how about “Donald Trump’s skull” — a sculpture, Jessica Stoller.
“Joe Biden’s skull” — Julie Watchel.
“An evil tennis ball skull” — no style at all.
Sorta like a pirate, innit? “The score is 40-love, mateys. Arrrrrgghhhh!”
Or how about, “The evil tennis ball bounces at dawn!” the B-movie that never was — Beverly Fishman.
“The evil tennis ball bounces at dusk!” — 3d-modeled, style Avery Singer.
“Official evil tennis rug, 2023” — also Singer.
“My other car is NOT a pothead; it's a magical boat on wheels” — Jordan Casteel.
“Please please please don't include me in your fake-art junkyard” — Claudia Six the ghostly puppeteer.
“Uppity Dutch cannonball, in top hat” — portrait style Hannah van Bart.
“Life is like a box of broomsticks” — style Emily Mae Smith.
“My other car is a broomstick” — also Emily Mae Smith.
“Men kind of suck, with garden accessories” — Kelly Reemtsen.
“Men kind of suck, with beards” — Katherine Bernhardt.
“Men kind of suck, even Barack Obama sometimes” — a portrait, Amy Sherald.
Nice blazer, B.O. Look who went full pink-guy preppy.
Or how about “Barack and Michelle: alive and well and breeding snow trolls in Tibet” — Sherald.
No wait. “Lady Diana is alive and well and breeding snow trolls (and snow dogs) in Tibet,” as we discovered right here — Singer.
“PLEASE don't include me in your fake-art junkyard, part 2” — Claudia Six.
“Orange cannonball explodes, dark side of the moon” — Cindy Sherman X 3.
Or how about two more Tour de Sasquatch Clowns? Oh yeah.
All part of our infamous “Cool stairs to nowhere” Substack exhibit — Bowers.
And finally … “(F)art Book Fantastic, a collage” — by Jamian Juliano-Villlani.
Though we did rename the magazine (F)art Nazis Must Die, didn’t we? Last week anyway (already revised). Let’s do “Magazines named for (F)art Nazis must croak, as a rejected Washington, D.C., monument idea” — style Maya Lin, the artist who invented the Vietnam Memorial.
That’s a bingo.
— Colin Sullivan … froggy fool
Kicker and winning prompt, according to an esteemed panel that includes me and my dog: “My other car is a broomstick, part 3” — style Emily Mae Smith.
And here’s a copy of a real Emily Mae Smith piece, courtesy of a wonderful website called It’s Nice That. See the broomstick; be the broomstick.
Winning artist: Cindy Sherman, whose imaginary self portraits popped from our illustrator like flatulent magic. Two more potheads, to ease your troubled souls:
Many thanks to Mary Lynn Buchanan. She wrote an article, 100 Contemporary Female Artists You Need to Know. It helped.
I would write more about what I learned, but guess what? We’re short on space, shorter on time. Google ‘em up! I’m just a conduit.
Synonyms for “conduit” include pipe, pipeline, aqueduct, cable, canal, gutter. I’m a human gutter, therefore, heavy on the gutter.
If mystified about what we do, read this.
Over and out.
they ride bikes just like the rest of us: all wheels at a time.
fear not the sasquatch race; love yes the sasquatch race. they are wildly misunderstood.