Here’s a question nobody ever asked me: What’s up with your cheese obsession?
Another: What’s to be done about emotional frostbite, really?
Reminds me of a dumb story. Once upon a time in lower Manhattan, a restaurant that specialized in grilled cheese sandwiches appeared. As in, that’s all they offered. Extra-fancy grilled cheeses. I went there with two friends. We discovered one of them hates cheese.
With a straight face, he asked the server, “Do you have anything without cheese?”
The look on her face …
As for emotional frostbite, it’s untreatable. My advice is cut off your pinky toes with scissors. You’re not using them anyway. Pinky toes: They’ve been done. Release yourself. Remember: An eight-toed human is smarter than a ten-toed sloth, every time.
Another question nobody ever asked me: Why aren’t you part of the Blue Man Group?
Answer: I am the Blue Man Group. I am everyone who ever participated in the Blue Man Group piled into a single blue head. This is me …
After I get the sleep out of my eyes …
Another: Have you ever smoked crack?
Think I’ll skip narcotics queries. Don’t ask, don’t tell. What I would say instead is “either the crack smokes you or you smoke the crack unless you’re in Arizona, in which case you sure as hell can’t get an abortion.”
A visual representation:
Another: What other absurd laws might we find in the Grand Canyon state other than the 1864 territorial code that outlaws abortion?
Answer: In Arizona, a donkey can’t sleep in a bathtub after 7 p.m. Whether this is a real law is anyone’s guess. I found it on the internet — and the internet lies, in case you hadn’t noticed.
Other bathtub laws I found (of questionable veracity) include an Arkansas statute that says you can’t bathe your alligator in a bathtub. Hot tubs, however. OH YEAH.
Next: What’s up with writers anyway? What’s wrong with them exactly?
Answer: I don’t consider myself a writer. I consider myself a monster. I hail from a race of lost hulks, typing. Many are the damaged letters on my keyboard. The “T” for instance. The T is a loose tooth that won’t leave the party. And I don’t even want to talk about the 7 key. Whatever you do, don’t mention the 7 key. It haunts me.
Number 6 question nobody ever asked me: Is it true that 666 plus 666 divided by 666 multiplied by 666 equals 666?
No.
Follow-up: Did you just create a satanic Sesame Street character?
DON’T ASK DON’T TELL.
And finally … shouldn’t you just end this with a bunch of fanatical cheese images?
Mmmmm hmmm.
— Colin Sullivan
Kicker: Funniest law discovered during our dumb-law investigation involves Winnie the Pooh. About ten years back, a small Polish town blocked a proposal to name a playground after the cartoon bear, calling Pooh an “inappropriate hermaphrodite.” The town denied Pooh his fat chance to go Polish because the fictional character doesn’t wear pants. One local leader complained that Pooh creator AA Milne had “cut the bear’s testicles off with a razor blade because he had a problem with his identity.”
Without commenting on how it was Poland became part of Florida, we took Pooh back to 1939, to visit Warsaw — because that’s the only thing Americans know about Poland, really. That it was invaded by Nazis, in 1939.
A “hermaphrodite” (btw) has both male and female sex organs. As opposed to none at all, unless you consider synthetic fur an organ. No word yet on how many Polish hermaphrodites it takes to change a lightbulb.
Seems like Pooh had a lovely trip in any event. Go Pooh go.
Xoxo.